Midnight thoughts

By Aneesah, 1 Jun 10

I decided to not do a play-by-play “this is what happened to me” entry, because I don’t think I can manage one. =/ Basically though, my 2nd year of Architecture is almost over. Alhamdulillah, results are better than my first year’s, despite the fact that I hated my design for both projects this year and had some barely-pass marks for several assignments. It seemed like the “other stuff” (eg. computer modelling project, essay [?!?!]) saved my average mark.

This entry would likely be an extension of a few of the points in Truth be told…. I’ll stick in random photos and videos in case you need a distraction from all the text.

Architecture and I

Early spring flowers

I’ll start with something I mentioned: my weakness in design subjects and strength in the other modules. Although it is the nature of Design, that even if you put in a lot of effort, if the result is not good; it’s not good. Your time and effort don’t really matter if your idea or its execution isn’t pulled off well. And it is NOT something you can study and brush up on or “learn”, in the strict sense of the word. I’ve started to feel like this is not my niche, not what I am meant to do. The design process and the time frame and the insane amount of work you’re expected to produce in the amount of time (nearing the end of projects) — are all not for me. It is probably premature for me to say I-don’t-want-to-be-an-architect, but I will say I-don’t-want-to-be-an-architect-for-all-my-life. (I am on a bond, I am meant to be an architect after I graduate. :nod: )

What I can sum up about my work from these two years: I seem to be good at the presentation (drawing) stuff, have very neat work, enjoy working with my hands and drawing something only when I already know what it looks like. Sketching, trying to figure things out: hate. So bad at this. It’s true that I’m actually very left-brained. I’ve known this for awhile. I don’t think I ever was imaginative or intuitive.

Favourite photo of our Dover trip.

My optimist side (yeah I do have one, believe it or not) just says “I have to work harder, then”. And in an architecture firm, people work in teams. One’s strength and weakness are complemented by the others’. I do enjoy being in this course and can’t imagine fitting into anything else. “Studying” subjects — maths, science, everything else :P — I don’t think I can stand anymore after a lifetime of struggling for exams and straight As. The fine arts, or a more design-based field — I will have major trouble in the whole conceptual bits, and art is even more subjective than architecture, which will just frustrate me. Anyhow, I just feel like writing about this and it doesn’t mean I’m making any changes in my life, for now.

Growing up

This is related to #6 in last entry’s list. In these past two years, the time I’ve been away from my country and my family, though especially in this past year, I feel different. I seem more emotional, more curious, more wanting to read on random stuff and find out about the world (I don’t read books much, but anything online, I will read), more in touch with my religion and God, more willing to learn and discover. I have deep thoughts and learn these “life lessons”. For instance, I was extra sensitive to the news of the Israeli attack on the Gaza aid convoy. I watched the news at presstv all day long, hanging on to every word the reporter said. I read articles and shared the awareness. I felt a strong response from my heart and my mind. Everybody should, really, but the Aneesah a few years ago might have just heard the news off-handedly and shrugged. I remember asking my mum once, when there was news about floods in different states, “Why would I bother about them? It’s not happening to us so I don’t need to know about it.” Astaghfirullahalazim, how more naïve and ignorant could I have been? :shake:

Dover video 1

I’ll tell you how naïve I was. There was a point when I was younger that I envisioned living as a hermit. I couldn’t see why we needed to go visit people and interact and ask mundane questions about their children and family and work. “Why do we need other people?”, I asked. How silly a question. I understand now that as humans, our needs are more than just food, water, clothing, oxygen, etc. We each have a soul. There are so many other things the soul needs, perhaps that some of us are still searching for. Until we have “it”, we could never feel fulfilled and perfectly content. Simple things, maybe, to you, but to me… these facts are precious to discover, and worth remembering.

I think I am also starting to come out of my shell. I was painfully shy as a child, I would never ever talk and always hung on to my mother for “safety”. As I got older I had confidence and self-esteem problems, I remember not being able to look people in the eye when they were talking to me. I still sometimes have trouble with this, too. And my issue with interacting with people, friends, connecting, still lingers up till today. That is why I envy people who can always start a conversation, be buddy-buddy with almost everyone, crack jokes and please others. A lot of it has to do with my past. I have always expressed myself much better via written words. The closest friends I’ve had in various stages of my life: Azyan, Farah, Nabeelah — I wrote letters (or e-mails) to them. With Farah and Nabeelah, we were hardly ever “real life” friends who met every day or had sleepovers or went shopping together. I never had that kind of relationship. Add to that, my being the only girl among my siblings; so I kept to myself a lot. I would be in my room working on my next creation, proudly showing it to my mum when she came home. People shouldn’t be surprised I am “so good” at craftwork or sewing or the stuff I do, I’ve had loads of practice and exposure. It would be astonishing if I weren’t at all good after those years.

One of the many flowers I photographed on a sunny day out.

Another life lesson: everybody has at least one big challenge/test/thing in their life. Don’t think others have it easy. Also, their life made them who they are, so don’t be quick to judge or dismiss someone, especially when you have no idea what they’ve been through.

Oh, another thing silly little me used to think: that grown-ups don’t do embarrassing things or get embarrassed. I thought it was only stupid kids who make mistakes, or do something that causes them to wish they have the power of invisibility.


Dover video 2

I am becoming oddly emotional as I write this entry. What I’m writing might seem quite frank, but one of the life lessons I’ve come to know is about perspective. Life is short, I believe everything you do in this life will be held accountable. You have a greater purpose than what you do every day (sleep, eat, work/study). Why hold grudges, keep secrets, make enemies? Your time is better spent discovering yourself, or God, or devoted to a good cause. Of course this all sounds so righteous and hey-ho and easier said than done. I still am merely a student and though I am admittedly a serious person, I do enjoy the light little things that make life, life. But it’s important to have a principle, a core, a goal, a something, that leads you and that you can refer to.

I thought I had more to say, but it seems the writing juices have run out. ^^; I can always write another entry when my brain decides to spew thoughts like these.

For crafty stuff please click through to go to Flickr:


Aneesah's Crafts photoset Aneesah’s Crafts photoset

There are MANY more photos and videos uploaded on Facebook (no kidding, my job during spring break was just that — editing and uploading :B ), so if you’re not my friend there yet, feel free to add. (Just let me know you’re a blog reader, thank you.) I have a busy day tomorrow; printing shopping meeting designing discussing. Still have a 1000-word proposal I have to submit on Thursday, and I just finished my portfolio (also due on Thursday), so yes. I hope you’re all well. Peace! *I need a peace sign emoticon. Hmm.*


  1. Oh oh, I wanna be your FB friend and gawk at your crafty stuff.

    facebook (dot)com (slash) boredandcrafty

    • Aneesah says:

      ^_^ I upload most of the crafts stuff on Flickr too, it’s just that I’m running out of space there (not a Pro user :( ) so I keep having to delete things too.

      Added you! :D

  2. kimmy says:

    thumbs and toes up for this entry :) congrats on your result neesah! I know you’ll do well in anything you do coz you put so much effort in anything you get yourself into. And as shy as you used to be/think you still are, well I don’t think you are at all coz you’re one great person to chat/be with (oh..memories of the 6 of us spent our 2 years in intec groaning in the bus after 6pm lol) you’re an amazing person and i’m SOOOO glad i knew you. :) much love and keep those artsy fartsies coming!

    • Aneesah says:

      Thanks Kim! ^_^ You’re a great friend to merapu merapik with too, I miss being together, seriously… And hey — don’t you mean 7pm? And then bus driver tak nak gerak because kena tunggu after Maghrib time and end up sampai hostel really late. X( Life is quite different now I guess. Much :heart: <3 :heart: !

  3. I know what you mean about not being imaginative/creative. That’s the same with me.

    Ooh yeah, I do know what you mean about not thinking you’d fit into any other courses. Same with me!! Same thing I went through when I was still in school!

    Oh my gosh, I know what you mean about growing up, at least your “personality” side anyways, like being shy, etc. I am the same way, and I’m starting to break out of it too, but same as you, how I was when I was younger still haunts me today! I’m the same way as you, I can express myself better with words(letters/e-mails) than vocally. It has hurt some of my relationships, but everything turned out ok in the end.

    Well, anyways, wow, that was a good, deep-thought entry, I really enjoyed reading it! Good luck with all that you have to do! That 1000-word proposal sounds like torture. =(

    • Aneesah says:

      :) A lot of similarities in things people go through when growing up. 1000 words isn’t that much compared to our other essays, but considering it has to do with a project that we have to plan and decide ourselves (and I only have a few more days to do it), it is quite a challenge. -_-; Thank you for the luck!

  4. Mandy/Zaiynab says:

    I was the same way when I was young! Still am, haha. Usually by myself with crafts. I need to get going on the crafts now actually, summer vacation is here and since I moved in with my husband to a different state, I don’t really have a lot of people to interact with. I’m making a skirt =) well, started making it, then took a break for a couple weeks, haha. I wish we lived closer so we could do crafts together!~ =D

  5. ZacK1 says:

    “I do enjoy being in this course and can’t imagine fitting into anything else.” Heh agak ah, somehow I can’t really imagine you doing Engineering.. ^^;
    It’s a real wonder how experience and maturity can change someone so significantly aight? ;) I so am agreeing with a lot of what you wrote, valuable life lessons indeed.

    p.s.: Peace sign emoticon? Make one!! :yay: :boogie:

  6. tikki says:

    ..the Aneesah a few years ago might have just heard the news off-handedly and shrugged. I remember asking my mum once, when there was news about floods in different states, “Why would I bother about them? It’s not happening to us so I don’t need to know about it.”

    i am not proud of this, but i’d say i am still that today. i know it is wrong, but the issues that happen to the outside world (no, outside my comfort zone) never seem to leave a mark on me. as much as i do not want to, i’d just shrug it off. any tips to make me more concerned? :S
    by the way, am inspired by your post to also make a no-play-by-play this is what happened to me post :)

    • Aneesah says:

      I read your entry too, way to go. :D I’ve been busy and haven’t even thought of writing another blog entry.

      I don’t really know what or how I changed re: being aware and concerned of things. But being with and around people who are like that tends to encourage you to join in as well. And wasn’t Nihlah’s father-in-law part of the convoy? Hearing that just made me even more ” :shock: ” and it related almost directly to me (and you? :P ) now. Maybe it’s still about “putting yourself in the shoes of others”, especially our brothers and sisters in Islam.

  7. Jen says:

    I don’t pretend to know exactly how you’re feeling about architecture, but what you said about it — about the “design process and the time frame and the insane amount of work you’re expected to produce in the amount of time” — that is a lot of what I felt towards architecture before I decided to switch. For me, it was enjoyable and fun and putting in the hard work did seem to reap the rewards, but for me, it just didn’t seem worth that effort. I find creative subjects far to personal and close to heart to be able to put them out into the open for critiques that do nothing but cripple you and make you depressed, and then needing to bounce back time and time again (for me, anyway). But you know what they say — most people change careers six times during their life!

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